Usually
by GentleHero
Summary: Usually it would have been different, she would have fought at his side. Instead of being there at the last moment when he looked away from the jet sent to take his life. Usually she'd have helped him, instead everything went wrong.


She stared out at the bloody field after. Even in her darkest nightmares it had never looked like this, usually he saved the day. Usually he didn't get hit.

But those were dreams, the horrors before her were reality. Could that possibly be true? How did it get to this point, and end so wrong. Bodies littered the grass, friends foe what did it matter now all were dead. Silence brushed by her as she watched, her face contorted in everlasting agony as she suffered survival. He should have made it, he should have won.

"What have I done?"

Those you've known

And lost, still walk behind you

No answer is found, for none can be given. She did as she saw fit, what point is there in wishing too late for change, all it brings it self torture. Other's watched her watching the destruction, the black chaos that the end had become, none moved. It was a peaceful death, as her spirit went with those before her. Her body remained alive, but she would never be the same.

Usually he made it.

All alone

They linger till they find you

Hours passed and news spread. The end of the war, at last. But not the end they had hoped for. Not the end she should have helped to bring about. This end was the nightmare they had fought against. Still she stood on the front steps of a broken building staring at the nothingness before her.

"Why did I change?"

Without them

School had never been pleasant, but usually she could get by. Usually the name calling, and hair pulling didn't bother her much. But then it was too hard, everywhere she turned she was expected to help. Every single person expected so much of her, that now. Well now look what she'd done.

Usually he was there for her.

The world grows dark around you

And nothing is the same until you know that they have found you

At long last, as the sky grew dark, she moved. The only sign of life shown from her body all day. Those nearby turned to watch in silence as she walked down the steps and past several bodies. She gazed at each in turn, saying nothing only watching with empty eyes. The corpses passed under her without incident and soon she found the one she was looking for. Kneeling down she reached out to touch his face.

"You're so cold."

Those you've pained

News of the battle spread quickly, one could not hide from the tabloids. Each screaming louder than the last at what this travesty had caused the world. Yet it mattered none to the girl, who spent her days in a room of the same broken building staring out the window at the same bloody field. She was quiet, she was silent.

Usually he didn't trip.

May carry that still with them

All the same

Though the field had been cleared of bodies that was all she could see from her window. The darkest of times any could have ever seen, she suffered for her survival. It was not an easy win, not at the cost. Some she had known were not killed, but kept as slaves. She rarely saw them, and even when she did they were just another empty face in the sea of empty bodies that haunted her every moment. Only the one, the one she should have helped had shape. And he frightened her, for somewhere she knew he was speaking to her. He was trying to tell her.

_"__I understand."_

They whisper: "All forgiven."

The way of the world was lonely now, even for those on the top. It wasn't peaceful nor was it easy, but if one kept out of the way they were left alone. The Dark One no longer needed to be hostile, for he had control, thanks to his pet. Her place in everything had been cleared for the public, it became known she turned her back on those she had known and let them all die. She was the reason, the traitor. Her days were darker than the rest, cold and void of all living emotion. She was a shell of the bright child she'd once been, a shell representing the cost of her win.

Usually he would smile.

Still your heart says

Seventh year at the school that had always been their home was difficult for all the students. They attended school during a time of great turmoil and darkness in their world, but those three always had faith. For they had each other and that kept her spirits bright. "You've got to get out of the library sometime." He said to her, she smiled and shook her head returning to her reading.

"Why are you always right?"

The shadows bring the starlight

And everything you've ever been is still there in the dark night

Midnight nearly a year after the fateful battle had that girl standing where she had all that time before. Memories of her years at this institute, of her friends she had betrayed. The past flashed before her eyes continually, never letting up on her torture. What had he done to deserve it, why had she let herself be swayed. Even though life in the hallowed halls hadn't always been perfect she was always comforted in the common room when it was just her and her friends. She was safe there, now the building was falling to pieces and her comfort was gone.

Usually he'd stop her.

When the northern wind blows/ Though you know

The sorrows your heart holds/ You've left them far behind

"They'll never actually care about you. Who possibly could, or would. What have you got to offer but a mind. No man wants a mind, not the boys you've joined yourself to." The voice was harsh and unrelenting. She found herself unable to argue with anything that he said, though tears streamed from her cheeks. "They hate you, when you leave they talk about you behind your back. You're nothing to them." She could only nod, finally excepting that everything she'd deluded herself into believing was a lie.

"I'll help you."

There are those who still know / You walk on by yourself, and not with them

The haunted field reminded her of what had driven her to turn traitor only two years previous. Only now after all the time had passed did she see through the lies. They had tricked her, played her weakness and she had been easy prey. All the time in school, all the students calling her names, pulling her hair, insulting her blood. They swooped in and used the same tactics she wanted to escape from.

Usually she'd have noticed.

They're still home / Still you know

We're still home / They will fill your heart and mind

"He's behind schedule, they're expecting more of him than he can deliver. It will not take much to startle him out of winning." She reported, just as she did every week. This time felt different, the look on the faces of those she reported to were excited. "Is it something I told you?" She asked, she had been reporting for long enough that they trusted her. The Dark One's workers smirked at one another and with a nod they began to explain.

"The time is on us."

When they say there's a way through this

The time had been more than on hand, in the days that followed the world fell into a perpetual black fog that could never be lifted. The final meeting arrived and passed with failure and all was over. With her feet planted firmly in the spot they had been the year previous she envisioned all the chaos that had played out, the ghosts of the fallen hero's and traitors rose in her mind to dance once more on the blood stained grass.

Usually she would cry.

Those you've known

And lost, still walk behind you

Wave after wave of his followers crowded the field blocking view from her perch. It was all she could do as the battle raged around her, no realization, no loss, no movement. She was as frozen as the fight before her was brutal. Screaming, flashes, and silence filled the skies yet none mattered, her focus was glued to one body recently hit with instant death falling slowly to the ground, his red hair bright against the green of the earth beneath him. Her other 'friend' crying out as the first of their trio was lost.

"I loved you, once."

All alone

Their song still seems to find you

Something new came to her then, a sensation she had long forgotten. A single droplette of salty water ran from the corner of her eye down her cheek directly to her partially parted lips. "What have I done." She whispereed, speaking for the first time all year. Her soul returned to it's host and the traitor fell to her knees with a cry of anguish. "What have I done?"

Usually he'd have known.

They call you

The look of hatred on the supposed hero's face was fierce, his emerald eyes shown like deadly flames as he searched out the caster of that fateful blaze. As he turned he came face to face with the Dark One, and at last the moment of their lives was to pass. Wands at the ready they stared one another down yet neither made any move, the world around them disappeared all that mattered was the next simple words. But one scream, one little call for help and all concentration was lost.

"Harry, help!"

As if you knew their longing –

The memories flooded into her mind, and for the first time she was forced to feel. The remorse for all she had done to those who had called her a friend. Without her turn none of this would have happened, they would be sitting together in a park somewhere together now, all three of them. The skies would be the blue they should be and children would run laughing down each street, instead of cowering in their houses afraid of each passing minute. Guilt wracked her body, every inch of her mistake took hold, and nothing could return what she had lost. Those moments were gone forever and she was at fault.

Usually she wouldn't have cared.

They whistle through the lonely wind, the long blue shadows falling

In that single moment as his head turned to search out the cry of help the Dark One took action. Harry never saw the shot coming, all his eyes knew was his friend who had just killed him. She had called out as she had been instructed to, and he as predicted had gone to her unneeded aid. A look of confusion passed the fatal blow struck and he knew as the life tore from him. He knew she had turned on him.

"Why?"

All alone

But still I hear their yearning

She called out into the empty skyline, tears streaming freely from her eyes. "Why did I let you die?" The emptiness filled her, none she had trusted, loved, or wanted were alive. Her entire world had been destroyed with two simple meaningless words. The weight of the world crashed down upon her already brokenly sobbing shoulders, she had caused this dismal existence. But for the first time the halls of the school behind her were not simply made of cold stone, they held the memory of life before. Of an earlier time which could with any hope be remade.

Usually he'd see.

Through the dark, the moon, alone there, burning

"If only you'd have seen" something whispered to the forlorn figure collapsed on the front steps of the school. The voice seemed to float in the air all around her, as if it were the field itself speaking after all this time. She shook with fear, regret, pain, loss and understanding. "They would still be with you, you would not be alone." Her cries grew to a crescendo as the voice continued it's taunts.

"Too late now, we're all gone."

The stars too

They tell of spring returning –

And summer with another wind that no one yet has known

They had had so many adventures that had led them to the final year, that trio seated in their common room late one night. Just the three of them. Harry smiled at his friends, as Ron laughed over some impolite joke he'd been telling. Hermione rolled her eyes over the book she was pretending to read. This was the life she knew, the life she had loved. It had always been, as if some form of fate had created three separate people from one mold. Hermione found herself smiling fondly behind the cover of 'Hogwart's: A History' as she listened to her boys chatter on about nothing.

Usually it was perfect.

They call me/When the Northern Wind Blows/Still you've known

Through all things/The sorrows your heart's known/There's so much more to find

Little else had mattered in those simpler times, before they had known what Harry would have to face. They had been innocent then, he had still held some hope of a better life, while she had yet to gain the blood stains on her hands. "I didn't ask for this" She whispered through her tears, "I didn't want this." Remorse filled her body, every fiber of her being ached with the recognition, in that moment her shattered soul patched itself back together in the most painful of fashions.

"I never said goodbye."

Nights falling/Another Dream another heart you'll hold

But somehow I go on/I believe

All she knew was the past haunted her every waking moment, for the days after she had come to terms the halls that had been empty were alive with the ghosts of her past. She walked each hallway afraid of what she might see, the image of her younger-self carefree and happy walking from one class to another, the scent of potions brewing from the dungeons. All terrified her, for now she knew she must live with what she had done.

Usually she could ignore it.

You watch me/Still you know

Just watch me/To trust your own true mind

"You don't understand" she cried back, her hair wild and eyes pleading "You could never understand how I feel." Harry sat on a nearby couch watching his friends fight, his eyes glazed over to hide what he felt from their view. Ron glared at her with disgust. "I understand perfectly, 'Mione." Harry said, his voice completely calm, the other two turned to stare at him as he stood and walked over to her calmly. "I know what it feels like to be alone, to be talked about, called things when no one believes me to hear." He reached out for her hand, which sat limp in his own. "I am not angry, Hermione, and I do understand."

"No you do not"

I'm calling/On your way - you are not alone

From longing/There are those who still know

Falling to her knees in the middle of a forsaken hallway she cried out for mercy. "Please, I beg you. Anything if only this haunted world would be gone, leave me to my mistakes, but leave me in peace!" Her voice echoed on the stone walls, reverberating through the school until she herself seemed to be crying out to herself. Her own pleas returned as if she were asking herself for release of these haunted memories.

Usually she could let go.

Now they'll walk on my arms through the distant night

And I wont let them stray from my heart

"He believes himself to be everything they expect" She said, her voice cold and filled with distaste. "As if he has any hope of beating you, my lord." Hermione spoke, from her place kneeling before the Dark Lord's throne. "It is strange to me, Granger, you cannot be as filthy as your blood is said to be." He responded, waving an idle hand. "You are too good a witch, you must have wizard blood in your line, that is all there is too it." She smiled slightly from her place and bowed her head lower.

"Thank you, master."

Through the wind, through the dark, through the winter light

Trembling at the thought of what she had become to him. To that evil man who charmed his way into her soul, into every fiber of her very being. In a time before him she had been happy and innocent, a child. But now, she was a shell of anything she could ever have been. The smartest witch of her age reduced to nothing. She was nothing and she knew it.

Usually it would have mattered.

I will read all their dreams to the stars

"You know you're perfect" The echoed words rang on the walls as she stumbled hopeless in search of her bed chamber. "I couldn't have done it without you, 'Mione" Moments of her past life, of the time before her mistake, came flashing back as they seemed so often to do now. She recalled every happy time she had spent with her friends. She ran freely now, through the empty halls praying she would run into one of the other living beings who inhabited the ruins.

"You're the only family I've known"

I'll walk now with them

After much time she reached what had long ago been her dormitory in the Gryffindor tower. The room had been empty for a year now, and was covered in a heavy layer of dust. Yet it still reminded her even further of the childhood she had spent here, of all the happy times she and those she loved had shared. She flung herself onto the bed that had held her safely for so many nights and cried clutching her pillow. Hermione crumbled with remorse, her heart breaking and mending repeatedly. There was no hope for her anymore.

Usually she'd forget

I'll call on their names

Hours passed and her tears lessened, she sniffed a few times before sitting up on the bed and brushing both tears and dust from her splotched face. She gazed out at the desolate room in complete silence, as if she were allowing the memories in now. Without any fight. Hermione had accepted the consequences, she accepted her mistake and knew there was no longer any hope for the life she had created. This world was not as it was supposed to be, everything was wrong. Harry should have been able to fight, to have the strength he needed all she had to do was be there for him. Yet instead she had screamed for his help when she had no need of it.

"I let you down."

I'll see their thoughts are known

Not gone

Hermione moved to stand, brushing the specks of dust off her ragged robe. Her feet shuffled as she searched out the vanity and peered into the dirty mirror. For the first time since their deaths she looked upon her own reflection and really saw herself. She had lost much weight and her clothes hung off her as if she were simply a twig and it a blanket. Her hair was long and wild, untamed and uncared for after all this time. But it was her eyes that were the worst of all, the once comforting brown had darkened and voided itself of life and emotion. Dark circles creased under her eyes and her skin was white as snow from lack of sun.

Usually she would have cared

Not gone

They walk with my heart-

And I'll never let them go

Hermione picked up a long forgotten brush and sat down before the mirror as she began to silently calm the knotted mass of brunette locks. Unused and uncared for bits of make-up and other cosmetics remained on the vanity from the years of use with young witches who desired nothing more than to catch the eye of some young man or another. She found what she could to make herself look as much of a shadow of her lost self as possible, she could no longer be what had been called beautiful but at least now there was a sparkle of the Hermione Granger she had been in school. She looked once more at her reflection and set down the hairbrush.

"I'll come home."

I'll never let them go

She spent several more minutes sitting in the silence staring at her image in the glass. As if this mirror and the Mirror of Erised were fused she saw Harry and Ron appear beside her and a small smile reached her lips. "I'm sorry." She whispered, Harry nodded and smiled at her, Ron held out a hand. "Come with us, Mione." She heard the memory of his voice rush about the room and shivered. "Come home." Harry's long forgotten voice called. Both beckoned from within the mirror, and she found herself unwilling to resist their call. It wasn't long after watching them that her happiness turned sour and tears prickled again at her eyes.

Usually she'd have known.

I'll never let them go

You watch me

The images of her friends faded from the mirror and she wiped her eyes. They wanted her still, they loved her still. She had killed them but she was forgiven. "Why?" She asked the empty mirror "What did I do to deserve you?" She cried out once more, nearly begging for the images she so missed to return. But none showed, she was alone in the hallowed and deadly halls once again. The room around her seemed to spin, they asked her to come home to join them. And she wanted to, more than anything she wished she had been with them in their last moments. With them instead of the cause, instead of the traitor she had played in their last moments.

"Yes I'll come home."

Just watch me

I'm calling

Slowly she stood from the chair and not turning away from the vanity just yet, cautiously as if she might sink away she reached out and placed her hand on the cold glass. Far below where she stood several wizards dressed in their dark cloaks rushed through the halls in search of her. Something had told them their prize was haywire and the Dark Lord wouldn't stand to lose the shinning gem he had worked so hard to procure. For the first time in what could have been forever other voices echoed through the halls of Hogwarts, shouting for Hermione to show herself or give any sign. Some Death Eaters waited on the grounds, standing guard in case this turned out to be an attack planned by the resistance. But there was no one but Granger there, and she was lost in her memories. Turning, at last, from the mirror she started slowly around the room once again.

Usually the world would've stopped.

I'm calling

Eventually the sounds of the other's calling reached Hermione's ears but she made no act to respond, for they as the others had been were simply ghosts of the past. All that she could know now was the slow procession to the window, she opened it gently and peered out at the green ground. The same earth had been sodden with blood and death some time before but now it looked homely and welcoming. She smiled further and stepped up onto the ledge. "Come home, Hermione, we're waiting." She heard the call of many, of the family she had deserted. They wanted her still, and she wanted them. It wasn't a hard choice, nor did she spend much thought on it. Hermione didn't even feel the air around her as she stepped off, nor did she feel her body crashing down upon the earth. For just as it had been when she had watched her friends and loved one's dying she herself had already passed on.

"I'll be home"

And one day all will know


End file.
